Lost in Translation

On Friday we had the whole day kind of workshop in the office. There was a pretty long lunch break of 1,5hours and one of our western colleagues from the “downstairs” office ask us if we would like to order pizza. This is always a very welcomed change in food supply as our office surrounding is more or less a desert regarding delicious food for lunch. The small pizzeria offers really good pizzas, but they are amazingly slow, that’s why I asked our colleague to make sure that the pizza will be in the office on time- means at least in 1,5 hours. A few minutes later the phone ring and one of our Indonesian colleagues picked up, just recognizing the typical ya, oh ya, yah! But nothing happens so far. All colleagues ask us what we will have for lunch and we answered that we have to wait for our pizza.
After around one hour I got told that our colleague from downstairs who ordered the pizza for us was eating some fried noodles- no problem so far, because I thought she might was very hungry and starving for the pizza. Finally everybody got back to the workshop besides us, while telling them that we have to wait for our ordered pizza. It was already over 1,5 hours since we ordered so we asked our colleague downstairs, if there are any news: The simple answer was: No pizza today, because the pizzeria said it will takes two hours to deliver, that’s why she did not order and called immediately our colleague to inform us, that we won’t get any pizza today.
He simply “forgot” to deliver the given information to us!
I send our office boss a text message to inform her that we are not able to join the workshop again, because of this stupid guy- no answer!
We ordered again in our local food supplier to receive our lunch at 2.30pm. Later on my office boss ask me, that she did not understand the text message and what happens to us. I explained and she simply replied: lost in translation- he might not get the message correct.

Match girls

I am not sure what you might think about when somebody tells you at one location there are “match girls”?! I do think about ladies in the golden 20ies selling cigarettes and will enlighten them for you- kind of erotic performance but still “normal” service, not that way in Indonesia. There is a square in Jogja where at night some musicians and prostitutes hang out and of cause these famous match girls. These girls offer an easy deal. You have to pay around 2000 IDR to receive one match, follow them into a dark corner where there lift there skirt. Than you can enlighten the match to watch their pussy for a few seconds- welcome to Indonesia!
To be honest this is still not yet proofed by myself, but I’ll try to keep u up to date with a pic!

Stay tuned for more Indonesian pussy reports!

Strange

In my very traditional “Kampung” I am now able to monitor the different faces of this wonderful traditional and mainly muslim country. Sometimes the “hell” is right across the street and while the muhizin is still singing/ praying costumers of the new brothel scream while having there orgasm.
Since a few weeks there is a small local brothel and the guys “coming” 24/7.
On Friday evening pull out my moto to went downtown for my Friday night program and a car stopped next to with three Indonesian guys looking forward there upcoming fuck. There really smiling at me with this behaviour: hey ho ho we are the men’s while shaking their balls and they gonna enjoy themselves for the next hours or maybe just a few minutes- who knows!
I really don’t know how long this place will run, because in our neighbourhood there are living a few muslim “extremists”. I am looking forward for their “solution”.
Stay tuned for brothel blast reports from my Kampung

rip off

I do like my life in Indonesia very much. Its more or less easy going except these little thinks that piss you off.
It is rainy season right now, so I kept my shoes outside of our house. I thought it might be all right, but a few days ago I got up in the morning to realize that 3 pairs of my shoes where gone. So far so god, they “left” my office shoes. On the other hand I do not understand why these fucking thieves took my shoes?! Keep in mind I do have at least size 45, which makes them far to huge for all Indonesians! The other problem about been ripped off your shoes, is the fact that a replacement of shoes in my size is nearly impossible in this lovely country, because shoes sold here are for Indonesians and cover mostly sizes up to 42.
Finally I managed to replace two pairs but nevertheless I am still looking for this fucking wanker: If you read this- I will cut of your balls if I catch you!!!
Stay tuned for next adventures of my daily asian life.

The holy cow

A few years ago i started travel around the globe, but simply skipped asia for just one reason- the holy cow!
People whom i know, coming back from their Backpacker trips throughout asia, are always talking about all the lucky people who enjoy their lives, even if they are pretty poor. I still agreed that happiness is not about money, but indeed these guys told me that even the cows are so cute and happy!
Therefore I never wanted to travel to asia, cause hate too much happy people! Things happen always in a different way as you might plan them, that’s why I finally ended up in this region. I became really addicted to some of these countries, even so- surprise surprise the people are not always lucky and thanks god- also the cows are not that holy as i might imagine before. So what might go wrong with me?
Is it the point of view or simply my fucking behaviour? Maybe booth but indeed i believe that there is a completely difference between living in a place and being a tourist.
I do love tourism very much, but sorry to say guys I hate these “all understanding” backpackers sitting in their backpacker’s bars to explain you how the world is working- especially in Indonesia. I am always impressed how stupid (sorry) these guys are- trying to share their knowledge about Indonesia consisting of 10 days beach holiday on bali and a three-day stopover in Yogya to see Borobudur temple. I feel really sorry for the staff in these restos, cause they get these world saving stories everyday- sometimes they are looking at me not knowing what to say about a bule who is explaining them “the” Indonesian.
Just some fast facts for you.
Indonesia in multi ethnic, mostly islamic country consisting of round about 17000 islands which makes it the 4th biggest country in the world with around 230 millions inhabitants. The main island of Java is with around 130 million inhabitants one the highly dense areas in the world. The agglomeration of Jakarta is around 22 million inhabitants. So how the fuck think you to explain this country with your experience of 14 days?
This is not my first stay to this country, but indeed i would not say that i am able to be “the expert” for everything in such a huge and different country just seen a few places.
At least Java is not to a typical tropical paradise with postcard beaches and not so many holy cows!
Stay tuned to find the holy cow!

Competition

With my very good german friend i started a kind of competition. We try to have as much sexual contacts as possible in this wonderful muslim country, without lying about marriage. Don’t get me wrong- we are not on porn holidays!
Maybe i have to explain to you. For example if you go to a club- what is more or less like two doors before hell for normal muslims and you “found” somebody whom you like, beside all the prostitutes, they might ask you at least on the third question, if you have a wife already and if you are a serious men for life. So no chance at all as far as you don’t wanna marry or at least promise it. So far so good we are honest guys and don’t lie what resulting most of the times in lonely trips back home.
But sometimes you are lucky to meet a smart guy or girl who get used to western lifestyle and is not repeating the boring conversation as usual- which is more or less like that:
Partner: Hi?! How are you?
Me: Hi?! Fine and you?
Partner: Do you life here and how long? Study?
Me Yes- I do work here since a couple of month!
Partner: Do you have a wife? Partner? Are you alone?
Me: Yes I am on my own! What are you looking for?
Partner: I am looking for a relationship! Can I have your number?
Me: Here we go! Give me a call if you like! Bye
Partner: Never calls

If you are lucky you will have an appointment later on, what is normally rescheduled at least twice due to bad indonesian time management. For maximum success you have to be prepared for outdoor action or hotel rooms to have some kind of “privacy”. To enjoy yourself is not that easy under the given circumstances but sometimes worth it.
So you might could imagine that our small competition is not that serious, but always funny to have so many “contacts”- at least in your mobile.
Results so far I am the winner…hehe
Stay tuned for final results on sexy life!

Deep

The last weeks used to be within normal parameters, as far as life could be normal here.
A very good friend of mine- who normally joins me for party has to leave for germany for a few days to get paperwork fixed. So I was on my own last weekend. Friday night I started with the usual Club’n’ Bintang and later Embassy for dancing. The party finished pretty early cause l drunk far too much and had to leave back home by taxi. I feel so sorry for the taxi driver, while still driving my stomach did not do what I want anymore!
Ok- you could imagine how my Saturday looks like- I switched my lazy Sunday program to Saturday- resulting in 5 hours recovering in parsleys and a wonderful two hours shiatsu massage.
Right on Sunday i got the chance to get down to earth again- my very good friend from germany came back from his short hop and invited me to meet the family of his fuck buddy. To keep in mind this is still a muslim country so we have to be discreet, as far as bule could be in such a situation. You could maybe imagine in what mood I was, but finally I agreed. We went there and got introduced as the western “friends”- so no problem at all, cause the fact that we are bule was exiting enough for them. We had a cup of tea together and some strange dishes where offered as well- but see yourself the pictures.
Stay tuned for more muslim gay life stories.

Be fresh be healthy be part of us

This is the disgusting motto of a not so healthy bakery where I use to hang out at weekends. The good thing is, they do have couches- what I really enjoy to recover my normally bad hang over from “last” night. So far so good and Parsleys is not just a bakery- they offer also western food like, burgers, pizza e.g as you might realize- all sooooo healthy!
Whatever they do serve also free wifi, which makes it sometimes looks more like an internet shop- cause all bule hanging around with their notebooks.
As i mentioned parsleys is on weekends my second home which works quiet well- I do have “my” corner to get really lazy, have a chat with on of the “pornoralles” and from time to time I do get some food or drink. After a few hours recovering in my “living room” i change for the massage place for my lazy Sunday program.
Stay tuned and relax!

Tetris

I am not sure if all of you still know the 80ies style video game tetris- used on „gameboy“?!
Anyway- it is kind of simple game where different styled blocks fall down and your task is to put them together in one unit. If you fail there are too much blocks around and you loose the game. That’s more or less the same with the morning run to the office. This starts right after leaving our kampung for the main road to the „highway“. From that point i do have the special music of tetris in my mind. If everything went smoothly you will be able to reach the office within 10 minutes on the highway- using a special lane just for motorcycles. There are to main „problems“ what might have an effect if you win or loose.
First- traffic lights! There is often a countdown shown how may seconds you have to wait or how many seconds you have left to cross the junction. The problem is that indonesians tend to stop early cause the conditions of their bikes if maybe not that good 10 seconds ahead. Means if i try to speed up to make it- they slow you down. The other main problems are the headscarf wearing muslim ladies. They tend to believe more in allah then into checking the traffic. They drive me crazy because they never pay attention to the other drivers.
Stay tuned for more traffic...

Office life

Food is pretty important for Indonesians and even during ramadhan topic number one for daily office life. My colleagues invited me for breaking the fasting to their place, which is mainly just a huge dinner. Therefore everybody has to bring some food, resulting in one week discussion in advance who will bring what, how much and how it might taste- keep in mind, that’s during ramadhan, where nobody eat and drink during the day!
Anyway my colleagues don’t just chat personally to each other- they are using all kind of modern communication tools to organize like email, messenger, text messages e.g.. Once I got back to office from lunch- yes I am allowed to eat, I had more than 10 new messages in my post-box on the topic of “breaking the fasting”.
Another main part of daily office life are the daily freshly provided snacks by one the office members. As this is a serious problem and this is a “technical” office I do received nearly one week before idul fitri an email with the topic “snack schedule” with an attached excel file. In this excel file every office member can check, when he or she has to provide “snacks” for the whole office. Today everybody came back to the office from holidays. First thing they checked where the provided snacks, but their weren’t any, cause the responsible guy didn’t showed up yet. A little bit later he arrived and put his “snack box” as usual on the snack-table in the middle of the office. The office boy- yeah that’s Indonesia, is than in charge to prepare everything. The today provided snacks included a bottle of red fanta, garlic nuts, cookies kind of pudding and a can of dole tropical fruits! The office boy was really not amused, cause he didn’t know how to open. It sounds really strange when he tried to open the can in the kitchen, but finally he managed. So you could imagine its always a hit and miss with the snacks.
The importance of the snacks seems to be adopted also by my other western colleague: Even he is in Bali for holidays, he ask me by text message if everything is all right and of cause what kind of snacks are provided today.
Stay tuned for more existing daily life stories!

Travel

In end of December I will travel around for a few days. Therefore I prepared a strange travel schedule. Some Friends will join me for:
Singapore- Hong Kong- Jakarta- Kuala Lumpur- Singapore- Jogja- Bali- Jakarta.
If you are at any of these places or you have recommendations for anything regarding bars, clubs, food e.g. feel free to drop me a line.

Idul Fitri

You might got it- I am a western guy living in a Muslim country, so I have to respect the given rules. After a long month of “fasting” of any kind of entertainment the holy month ended up in what Christians might know as Christmas holidays. I was looking forward for the end of ramadhan and thought it might end up a huge party with celebrations e.g.
Nothing like that happens- it’s a nightmare. All Indonesians travel back to their families to celebrate. The result is- prices are doubled, tickets are sold out weeks before and nearly every place in my hometown was closed. Even the places for western tourists shut down. At least for four days I could choose between to bakery restaurants and a 24/7 convenience store to get entertainment, food and drinks. Not funny at all besides the “bintang” party in front of
circle K at one night until 5am!
Next year I will leave the country or fly in advance to a small island to relax by the beach instead of getting pissed off in a huge city where everybody left.
Stay tuned for next reports on back to “normal” life.

Boys on holidays

I used to stay a few times in indonesia but never went to bali. Even my indonesian friends were wondering why I never went- so I decided to plan a weekend trip. First of all I planned my honeymoon trip with a friend of mine- he is an Indian guy, but believe me he acts more like a cute german “pornoralle”. To complete our village people travel group finally a german police men decided to join us. So I booked a honeymoon suite for the three of us on bali.
After the usual Club’n’bintang @bintang resto we took garuda to bali at friday night. Our place to stay was a run down small holiday resort for european truck drivers, their asian women and single female office staff in their late 50ies.
It was low season- so no worries, we where more or less the only guests.
The main focus for the trip, behind gang bang- was to go to the beach, that’s why we went immediately after arrival to it for a bintang.
The beach is like in any typical tourism resort of the world- huge hotels, shops, posh italian restaurants (remember- its indonesia!)- so really nothing to write home about. On the next day I started to realize that I maybe left Indonesia, cause people where cycling on the streets or taking a walk- this wouldn’t be possible in jogja. Anyway, we took our rented motorcycles and head to “dreamland”. It took us nearly half the day- just wanna add: don’t trust locals about directions!
The beach is a hip surf hot spot- so the place to be for the “pornoralles” from abroad. So I am not able to surf, I am not looking like a surfer boy, but indeed I wasn’t the ugliest guy at this spot. Some ladies thought it might be necessary to “show up” what nobody wanna see.
After the second night I realized what was wrong about travelling with my village people friends- three guys in one room are two to much- at least for sleeping. My fellow travellers acting like on school class vacations! The result was a locked washroom door- resulting in asking for assistance from hotel staff. The good thing about this- we got an invitation to a complimentary “arak” party. Next morning I locked myself inside the washroom- locker completely destroyed- so no more invitations from the hotel staff.

Bule

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Last weekend

Today ramadhan started, so best time to review the “last” weekend. Friday night I went as always to bintang resto to relax, chat to some friends and have a club and a couple of bintang before leaving for a clubbing. As always the same band play favourites reggae songs, but do like the atmosphere. Later I was not sure where to go, cause nothing was really on my list, but finally decided to have a look to “republic”. Happily I don’t have to pay entrance fee so I wasn’t really disappointed about my decision, cause for the first hour they had something like a beauty contest –the only thing to add, disgusting! But sometimes it pays off to stay longer. At around 2 o’clock in the morning “Hanky strawberry” started his show. He is a crazy MC and looks more like from NYC than from Indonesia. Hanky was totally drunk, but he done a pretty good job and the crowd celebrates him. What a funny night- I ended up driven slightly drunken my moto through the empty streets of jogja to be back home for morning praying @4.30am.
Saturday night I started in “kinoki” a western driven but local used hang out place for students who want to watch a movie, chat or just going to a concert. The open-air back yard style place is pretty nice and this evening they had a mixed video and live music performance. Food is strange but they do serve a wonderful strawberry lassie. The show was fun and on the way back to my place I stopped at circle K for a quick bintang. This 24/7 convenience store is also the hang out place for the “outgoing” youth before or after clubbing. Back home I changed for safety-first taxi to be safety back on the road to embassy. Thanks to dita I am on guest list also for this very last party. They celebrate cirque du soleil party, means the staff has to wear clown costumes, but nevertheless it was crowded and people where dancing the whole night to the usual progressive or trance stuff. To enjoy the music I have to order drinks, so I asked one of the clowns to serve me and after a few minutes he came “smiling” back with a pitcher instead of just a glass. Prices are high so I just can afford to have glasses- so he has to leave unhappy….this happens twice!
Lazy Sunday was as always nice @hyatt and afterwards a massage. In the evening I went to one of open-air concerts with local bands, which is always fun. These concerts are advertisements parties for certain kind of products like “kretek” to attract the youth- so it’s free of charge.
Stay tuned for more free of charge stuff!

Meals

What is one of the most fascinating things about living abroad language, culture, climate..e.g.? Not at all! You need to eat everyday and that makes the difference from my point of view. I got the change to try disgusting as well as most delicious dishes from all over the world. So what’s the case in Indonesia? Yeah you are right there are a lot of options. I do love asian style food. Well I think you can’t say asian- the food is everywhere different. So getting local I will describe some of the “tasty” options in Indonesia. Starting with breakfast: no chance- I am a western guy, but Indonesians tend to have a hearty meal also for breakfast, I do get a toast. Indonesians love to eat so you get always something to eat in between. Means when you are in a meeting you will receive a small box, containing water, small snacks like fried “fat roll”, fried garlic peanuts, chilli and a mint collared piece of cake or a complete meal instead of lunch. Once I counted the boxes received on one day- seven and the main meals where extra-amazing! For lunch you have different options- there is always a “warung” (food stall/ pushcart on the streets) nearby. They are offering most famous things like nasi goreng, mie goreng e.g. most tourist think that’s it about Indonesian food and get pretty fast bored of it. Indeed indonesians love fried dishes but there is a lot more than fried rice on the street. I do love “padang” food- you use your fingers to eat. My favourite is rendang- spicy beef, which I have more than once a week. One of my favourites for dinner is a place called “SS warung”- sounds like a nazi place and sometimes you might think they want to kill you with their spicy food. SS stands for “special sambal”- means extra spicy sauce for your fried chicken, tempe or fish- finger licking!!!
Other finger licking food is as usual all parts of animals, what you never thought you could eat it, served boiled, fried or grilled for example as sate! Sate sticks are normally served as chicken sticks, but I do got also rat- sticks once. Not to forget- Nasi (rice) goes with every meal!
At least once a week I go for western food for dinner- mostly on friday night to Bintang resto- it’s in the “tourist” area and they do serve one of the best club sandwiches I ever had! Bintang is also a hangout place for some expats, locals and tourist alike cause they do serve beer. One Club and a couple of Bintangs and you are perfectly prepared for a long party night!
Stay tuned for more finger licking stuff after leaving a club....

Party

The upcoming weekend will be the last possibility to go for a party or as the “locals” say clubbing! Indonesia is a muslim country, so the party life is restricted and of cause in between ramadhan there is no change at all to go clubbing. First of all I would like to add that I’m not really a party kid, but whenever I am abroad I’d like to relax while dancing. From western point of view we would celebrate the “last” party for at least one month really excessive and enjoying ourselves with probably a lot of alcoholic beverages, maybe drugs and finally a gang bang late at night. So we might step into ramadhan totally stoned and get depressions afterwards- cause it will be the last decadent party for our lifetime (one month). So what do you might think how people will enjoy their “last” party? I don’t now cause its next weekend!!! I just can tell you how party used to be normally. One thing you have to keep in mind always- that’s Indonesia and not new york, rio, bangkok or berlin. Indonesia has a vibrant band culture (retro style) with a lot of live concerts. These concerts are sometimes pretty funny, but indeed not comparable to western festivals. No alcohol, which is sometimes also nice and people who are sitting in front of the stage could be a little bit boring after a certain amount of time. But there are also some venues for clubbing in yogyakarta. Most of them I visited already, some tend to be nicer than others but all of them playing “progressive” music. I had never heard about such a style of music before but it is common in indonesia. So get used to it or stay at home. The most famous place in jogja is a club called hugo’s café. This is more or less a wide span disco with a stage and a bar in the middle. They do have live gigs, but these bands consist more of “Happy dancing dolls” playing cover songs. At midnight the gitchy cowboy bartenders perform the “hugos’ dance show and in between- yeah you are right: progressive music!
That’s the top end for most Chinese- Indonesian and important to show up with a bottle of whiskey. Nothing to write home about.
More interesting is the party crowd consisting of stylish teenager, prostitutes, callboys and some other funny people. After a few expensive beers you will leave for another location- it used to be called insomnia but is reopened under the name embassy club (from Jakarta). Thanks to dita I am often on the guest list, but therefore you have to show up before midnight. We went there one Thursday- ordered a “promo” bottle of vodka and enjoyed our self. No problem so far, but the “our self” means really just our group and a few others. So music as always boring, but without any party crowd! You could imagine- no fun at all!
Same location- one week later, without a bottle of vodka, crowded before midnight and no progressive music. Instead some good drum&bass with live acts. What else you might need? Maybe gang bang- but I am getting older….

Stay tuned for more “last night” reports!

Home sweet home

as an urban guy, i never thought about living in a small house in suburban area. so indonesia is changing my life, so i am a proud renter of a small house in a "kampung" in the subburbs of yogyakarta. indeed there are no high rise buildings at all in jogja, but the place is different to the area where i used to stay. locationwise it is pretty much allright cause its in the "cool" north of jogja- student lifelyhood, hyatt in walking distance and of course the office is also nearby. you have to ride your moto whereever you wanna go in jogja anyway- so no problem at all. this is indonesia, so things tend to be different here. sometimes you could compare certain situations here with former "east" countries (GDR e.g.). So you could not rent just a place in a kampung like mine. when you move in, you have to show up at "Pak RT"- he is the head of the kampung. when we went to pak rt he got already copys of our passport- amazing! in indonesia you don't just show up for a talk- you have to bring gifts. therefore pak rt got a cake and some money as kind of entrance fee to the kampung and for "safety" within the kampung. our pak rt is pretty old and just have a few tooth left- i would rather say just five. but this is a serious thing- he asked a few questions about us and agreed later on welcoming us to his kampung. but pak rt is not the only one who will get gifts- also all neighbours should get a lunch box. so you have to organize thoose boxes and present to your neighbours to say hello! all that is pretty important, cause when you skip this you won't get any security- nobody will care about you if your house will burn or there is a robbery.
coming back to the topic- our "garden" looked more like a desert when we moved in. my roomates chris and dita engaged so i decided to suprise them with a new garden. i had a few hours to prepare everything and with "little" help of some gardeners we are now living in a green environment. the only "problem" is that the green needs a lot of water every day, so i find myself often wearing my sarong watering the garden. i can't wait to be able to chat with the neighbours and clean my moto every saturday.
stay tuned for my next story about my new golden fence!

sauna and spa

since i arrived in yogyakarta i am member in a so called health club. that is more or less important cause the food is not really healthy at all in indonesia, so you need some sort of sports. i am not a sports guy at all, but rest and relax @hyatt pool sounds good for me. my health membership includs also the use of the so called spa. in this case it is more or less a changing room with an attached jacuzzi and something you really need in the hot climate of indonesia- right a sauna!!!
after a few weeks i got used to the climate and i thought i could check out the sauna as well. as a regular costumer, i realized that my indonesian friends have kind of different understanding of how to use a sauna. their behavior at all is indeed what u might can call rude. between 4pm and 7pm there is allways a group of half dead chinese-indonesian daddys, which are my favourits! they don't close the door to the sauna- cause it could be getting to hot and they love to get wet not by sweating- no way- they using the water for the hot stones to shower themself. the provided scoop is used by them to scrubb their back. after they finnished to use the "sauna" they go either for diving in the jacuzzi or taking a relaxed bath in the cold tub.
so if you wanna use the sauna be prepared- it need some time to heat up again and to dry it. if you are lucky afterwords there is nobody of the half dead left in the cold tub- so you can dip in directly. heading back to the changing room if was amazed to see one of the older half deads sleeping on a bench in the middle of the room. first time i joined the spa party i thought to call a rescue to team, cause if they are "dive" in the jacuzzi it looks like they are dead finally.
stay tuned!!

First steps

i wasn't sure if i should start to write in such a way. all the new media shit, everybody is writing stuff about their boring life and of cause there is allways somebody who wrotes exact the same...anyway- here we go with what i have to add to the boring shit of all of you. feel free to comment.